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Currently Watching: Latest videos by theonion

	Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 122 seconds Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

	How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers? Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 138 seconds Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

	Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 150 seconds After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.

	Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 162 seconds Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

$New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don\$	New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 162 seconds The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

	NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 158 seconds The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

	Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 168 seconds Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.

	Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 109 seconds Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."

	New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 131 seconds In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

	Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 117 seconds Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."

	Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 77 seconds Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.

	Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Childrens Picture Book Series Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 144 seconds Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue.

	DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 114 seconds The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself.

	Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 166 seconds Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

	Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T. Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 194 seconds 11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

$Obama\$	Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 159 seconds Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.

	Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 107 seconds Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

	Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 111 seconds Honors student Rebecca Bunten died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for...

	Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 141 seconds People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.